The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator
door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my
plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you
can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats
can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw,
whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the
edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go
smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this
enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the
following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't
want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like
my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you,
they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak
clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3)
are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5)
never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with
drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8)
don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to
buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion
dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can
sell their children
door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my
plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you
can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats
can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw,
whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the
edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go
smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this
enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the
following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't
want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like
my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you,
they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak
clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3)
are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5)
never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with
drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8)
don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to
buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion
dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can
sell their children
