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936 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Cat rules--by the CAT

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to doanything. Just sit and stare.

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,
stand halfway in and out and think about several things.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known
as "hampering.
Following are the rules for "hampering:" When SUPERVISING COOKING, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

FOR BOOK READERS, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
unless you can lie across the book itself.
FOR PAPERWORK, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress.


As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their
arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills.


Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.


When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the
box as possible.
Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.


Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.
Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This
will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have
run away or are lost.Once you do come out, the humans will cover you
with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.


Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn
around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it
often. And don't forget guests!

· Registered
936 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite

9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

12:00noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

11:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mum! My favorite!

6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


Day 1183 Of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They

dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only

thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I

get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they

were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an

attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced

myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make

them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their

hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.

Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in

solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the

food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power

of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog

is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a


The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them

regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current

placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is

only a matter of time...

· Premium Member
2,755 Posts
That describes my wife's cat exactly! Always has to cut me off when I go down the stairs. Comes out of nowhere and zig-zags at my feet with each step I take.
Eats houseplants constantly and then throws up in front of me, then runs away, can't find it for hours.

Meows loudly and bangs on any closed door in the house. You think she wants to go in that room,. so you open the door and she just sits there, looks at it and then casually walks away.
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