[Stalkingbear]

This evening my wife & I went over to see her mom. We arrived and mom was very concerned that she had to take all her nik-naks down because they were coming in her apartment to either clean or replace the carpet.

I read the note and they were cleaning the hallway carpet. So my wife told her.... she said 'that is nice, but where am I going to put all the stuff?' No, you don't have to do anything, they are not coming into your apartment.

'But they said that I had to get everything off the shelves...' No- they mean the shelf in the hall... follow me.

So we go thru the door and I remove the picture and two fake flower things and bring them into the apartment. This is what they are talking about... mom.

'Oh.' (a moment later... ) ' Where should I put these flowers? What should I do with the stuff on the counter?'

Mom! They are not coming into your apartment.

"I guess I can get up early and sit in the hallway."

Mom! They are not coming into your apartment! You do not have to do anything. They are working in the hall!

'Oh...... well... I guess I can deal with it when it happens.'

Mom! Don't do anything different than what you already do... nothing will change - they are just working outside.

'Well, I guess they can move the stuff that needs to be moved."

Mom! They are not etc. etc.

It is almost funny but terribly sad. The mind does not function properly. She has forgotten how to tell time... she has forgotten how to read.... she has great difficulty writing and hears voices calling to her from the TV.

I share this with you guys because most of you have not had to go thru this with a loved one. This will give you insight into the disease as it ravages her mind.... I can see that she has declined in the past week - while being pretty healthy physically, she has lost her mind.

 

[pnugene]

Hey Mike, I know how you feel and the frustration you experience in trying to reach your parent. My mom is slipping mentally a little more every day, and now her physical condition is very frail too. Every day is a little further retreat into a place we can't reach. True, sometimes it's funny but also it's very sad to lose a loved-one a little at a time.

 

[PaPa Johns 77]

My wife worries as her mom and her mom's mom both developed dementia in their early to mid 60's.

 

[Stalkingbear]

Wow..... my m-i-l is 86..... it's tough, isn't it?

 

[Dean]

It can be very hard to deal with for sure.
I'll remember her in my prayers.

 

[RAMBO]

right after i was born my mom (30 years old)was diagnosed with MS- Normally affects people physically- slow degeneration usually takes years and years.

Hers was very different- it attacked her brain function as well as her motor skills- by 34 had all the symptoms of alzhemers & parital dementia. She died at 36.

I don't remember much as i was 6 when she died, and like everyone with ms she had good days and bad days... but i do remember once missing the school bus to kindergarden- she walked me the 3 blocks to school, and she got lost walking home. Another mom who recognized her helped her get home.

I remember listening to arguments between her and my dad and wondering why she didn't understand what dad was telling her.

It really messed up my oldest sister who was 11 when she died- she remembers in detail the stuff i only vaugly remember- plus she was old enough to remember her before it all started.

Its a very hard thing for anyone to go though....

 

[Stalkingbear]

Seriously, at this point my wife said with tears, 'I feel guilty thinking that she would be better off if she on instead of living like this.'

Thanks Dean, I appreciate that...

Ben, that is a tough road to go.... MS is terrible. I'm so sorry your family had to deal with that - you at such a young age.

 

[Mali Blu]

I dont know what to say................

 

[quikss]

Seriously, at this point my wife said with tears, 'I feel guilty thinking that she would be better off if she on instead of living like this.'

In my opinion, there is absolutely no guilt in saying something like that. I truely believe her mother would say the same thing if she was of sound mind and knew what was going to happen to her.

My parents both passed within the last 3 years or so now. Dad was 59, mom was 60. I would never have wanted to see them go through something like dementia. I too would have prayed for them to pass with dignity had they fallen to dementia

Jeff

 

[Stalkingbear]

I appreciate that, Jeff.... hard to change her mind tho... she is the only daughter and just wants so much for everything to be 'right'.... as a guy, I fully feel the same way - let me go before I get to that point... but to Christine.... much harder to face that.

 

[Bunz-T]

I watched both my parents go through long term health problems. My mom with heart ( those deadly cigs) and my dad with dimensia. You include my wifes dad's battle with cancer and we spent about 12 straight years in and out of hospitals. You learn a lot about death and dealing with it and most importantly there are no good answers.

In my mothers last 30 days she lay unconscious with all her respect and dignity stripped from her. As I left her on her final day I prayed to God he take her now and once I left the elevator and walked into the parking lot that prayer was answered.

My father suffered dimensia and it is a Hell like no other. For the family and afflicted. All of us that have gone through it could write volumes about what you are going to face as it only gets worse. In the end you will just try to find a way to survive it.

There is no shame in your wifes thoughts. My sister and I pulled life support from both our parents. Here are a couple of quotes from our funeral director.

"Modern medicine has succeeded in extending life many years, but did nothing to guarantee the quality of it."

" There are worse things in life than death."

Mike good luck with surviving this. If it holds true to form you will see several stages. The one you are in, the one where they become bitter as hell, the one of dillusion, and in the end almost complacency. No need to seek advice from anyone of how to deal with it as each family has to find their own way. It will rip at your family and marriage and at times seem worse for you than your MIL. It is never too early to start developing patience.

Good luck and my prayers will be with you.

 

[Jblack]

I lost my dad to Alzheimer's back in 2001. He was 72. I watched him go from a strong well spoken man who was well respected in the community, to a man bed/wheel chair ridden who couldn't even speak simple words anymore. I would look in his eyes and he was completely gone. It's a horrible disease that eats away at a person slowly. Brain function completely breaks down. My mother was at his side for as long as she was capable of taking care of him. Then she knew he needed to be in a home before he hurt himself or her.
I feel for you and I hope that your able to do what is best for her.....

 

[ricks_67]

Mike, I know what your going through and feel for your family!
My Dad had it and his 2 sister wound up with it. The bad thing was we didn't know what was going on with my dad. We thought it was just old age and the forgeting things. He was OK then all of a sudden he was like totally lost and imagining things then Ok again. I deffinately remember those days. The saddest times were when he was in the state home and all he did was sit in a recliner on wheels. Every morning the staff got him up put him in his chair, put on the seat belt, fed him and he just sat there. In the end when we visited him he didn't know us. The staff called my mom one day and told her he had pneumonia and his time was short. My mom, sister and I went to see him and they tried to wake him up talking to him and he just laid there. When we were leaving they said there goodby's then I leaned over and kissed him on his forehead and said Goodbye Dad I love you and his eyes opened and the excitment in his eyes and his moaning he knew it was me and I totally lost it. Later that day he passed away.

 

[1969ProStreet]

This evening my wife & I went over to see her mom. We arrived and mom was very concerned that she had to take all her nik-naks down because they were coming in her apartment to either clean or replace the carpet.

I read the note and they were cleaning the hallway carpet. So my wife told her.... she said 'that is nice, but where am I going to put all the stuff?' No, you don't have to do anything, they are not coming into your apartment.

'But they said that I had to get everything off the shelves...' No- they mean the shelf in the hall... follow me.

So we go thru the door and I remove the picture and two fake flower things and bring them into the apartment. This is what they are talking about... mom.

'Oh.' (a moment later... ) ' Where should I put these flowers? What should I do with the stuff on the counter?'

Mom! They are not coming into your apartment.

"I guess I can get up early and sit in the hallway."

Mom! They are not coming into your apartment! You do not have to do anything. They are working in the hall!

'Oh...... well... I guess I can deal with it when it happens.'

Mom! Don't do anything different than what you already do... nothing will change - they are just working outside.

'Well, I guess they can move the stuff that needs to be moved."

Mom! They are not etc. etc.

It is almost funny but terribly sad. The mind does not function properly. She has forgotten how to tell time... she has forgotten how to read.... she has great difficulty writing and hears voices calling to her from the TV.

I share this with you guys because most of you have not had to go thru this with a loved one. This will give you insight into the disease as it ravages her mind.... I can see that she has declined in the past week - while being pretty healthy physically, she has lost her mind.

I lost my dad to Alzheimer's back in 2001. He was 72. I watched him go from a strong well spoken man who was well respected in the community, to a man bed/wheel chair ridden who couldn't even speak simple words anymore. I would look in his eyes and he was completely gone. It's a horrible disease that eats away at a person slowly. Brain function completely breaks down. My mother was at his side for as long as she was capable of taking care of him. Then she knew he needed to be in a home before he hurt himself or her.
I feel for you and I hope that your able to do what is best for her.....

Mike,
I know exactly how you feel !!!! Just like Jblack....I too lost my father to Alzheimer's disease. He passed away in 2000. My fathers Alzheimer's progressed rather rapidly once diagnosed. In the early stages, his behaviour would be unpredictable.....he would think that my brother and I were stealing his tools one day,then the next day he wouldn't even speak to anyone....he would just stare off into space. When he finally failed to recognize any of his family that was when it hit me the hardest!!!! I could deal with the repetative questions like "What day is it?' or "What time is it?"....but when he could not communicate any longer or feed or care for himself, that was the most difficult time for me. Alzheimer's disease(along with cancer) is perhaps the most difficult disease to find a cure. Hang in there Mike!!!!!! As you have already figured out.....your resolve will be put to the test many times in the near future but I'm sure you will be able to handle it.

Sincerely,

David F.

 

[1BLACKHARLEY]

mike, is she living alone? she needs to be somewhere where she can be watched and taken care of, before she washes her hands on the stove or brushes here teeth with a knife.

this is a tuff thing to go threw and i feel for you guys, it's frustrating to watch somebody who is normally sharp, struggle threw daily life.

i watched a f-i-l go threw it. it was amazing to listen to childhood stories with every detail explicit, then watch him not know how to open the fridge.

get on the net, find everything you can, educate yourself and be there for the wife, it's all you can do. hang in there...

 

[markfromark]

In my opinion, there is absolutely no guilt in saying something like that.

+1......AND.....that is true for all of us who have their faith in the right Person! No matter how good my life may be, I'm still going to be better off one of these days! Phillipians 1:21

Mike, I'm sorry for you and your wife as you have to watch your loved one's health deteriorate. I've been through that with my mom and grandmother (cancer), and also with a bro-in-law who has died. I have an uncle now who is dealing with Alzheimer's and each time I see him he's a bit worse. He is completely dependent on my aunt now to get him to/from anywhere they go. He practically never leaves her side. It's a tough situation to have to watch, and even tougher to go thru I would imagine. So it isn't exactly the same situation you have, but it is similar in ways.

I don't know how I would have survived emotionally through all the trials my wife and I have faced during our 27+ years together if we didn't have God's grace to count on to get us through them. His grace is still sufficient. :yes:

 

[Xplantdad]

My mother was diagnosed in her late 50's and lived until she was 75...it was definitely a struggle. Pm me if you need any help:beers:

 

[Stalkingbear]

Thank you Bruce - I appreciate that and will make a note for doing that.

Mark, I agree 100%. brother. Thank you.

She is in this stage - paranoia... and I was told just last night that other stages come - the compliant stage usually being the last. She lives in a place called Horton Plaza where she has a room and, besides my wife and I checking on her, we have a gal that comes in every morning to help with hair, shower (on Mondays), dressing and such as that.
The Plaza staff is pretty good in keeping track of the coming & going of their renters and insure that they show up for meals. So, I'm happy at this stage that things are going well.

We can add to the time that the caregiver takes with mom if we need to... she is willing to go an extra mile if asked. Since mom is in pretty good health (tho she only weighs 95 pounds and is a bag of bones) we don't have a bunch of medical stuff to deal with.

I will share with Chris what you guys have shared and I thank you all from my heart for your support as we travel down this weird road.

 

[PaPa Johns 77]

My father-in-law could not deal with it and increasingly took on more work than usal and golfing and bowling more often forcing the kids to deal with it.
We tried to get him to go to support groups early on but he refused to acknowlege that there was anything wrong.
They ate supper out a lot and she would spill things or get food smeared on her face and hands and she became an embarrasment to him and he would yell at her for it and finally stopped taking her anywhere. When they would get home he would get out of the car and go in the house leaving her still trying to get out of the car.
Good thing my sis-in-law lives in the other half of the duplex as she was wandering down the street one night after he did that to her.
SIL was driving home from work just after 9pm and found her mom standing in the middle of the street three blocks from home.:sad:
That was when we started taking turns from morning to night sitting with her.
It was painful to see this once free spirited vibrant woman deteriorate into the likes of a 1 or 2 year old child in some of her actions before she passed.

 

[Xplantdad]

Mike,

Here (in a nutshell) are the different stages that people who have dementia go through. Not all people go though all of them...and all go through these stages at different rates. My mom went from the first stage to the last stage in a matter of 4 or 5 years...then was stuck in the last one...until she passed a few years ago...


We put my mom into a Alzheimers specific facility for $3900 per month...until we couldn't afford it any more...

Here you go:


Early Symptoms of Dementia
Early indications that someone may be suffering from the onset of dementia include:

Difficulty with regular tasks - Everyone is absentminded from time to time, but people suffering from dementia will begin to have trouble even with tasks they've been doing for most of their lives with no problems, such as cooking or driving.

Forgetfulness at work, having negative consequences, such as frequently forgetting appointments, or deadlines.

Becoming apathetic, losing the ability, or desire, to take initiative on tasks, or take part in hobbies and activities.

Problems remembering familiar locations, such as where they live, or what year it is. Big one for my mom

Problems with abstract thinking, which is the ability to make and understand generalizations. Could lead to difficulty handling money.

Trouble remembering simple words; often dementia sufferers will substitute inappropriate words without realizing, making them difficult to understand.

Sudden mood swings with no obvious causes. Changes in personality and increased irritability are also possible. Big one for my mom

Dementia sufferers will experience diminished judgment, often doing or saying completely inappropriate things.

Losing things and blaming others for "stealing" from them Really big one for my mom

Moderate Dementia
During this phase, the dementia symptoms will likely become more obvious. They may include:

Forgetting recent events, becoming confused about times and places, remembering events from the past as though they are the present. Yep

Forgetting names and faces, confusing family members with each other.
Becoming lost, wandering outdoors, often at inappropriate times or in inappropriate clothing. Yep

Forgetting to eat, or maintain proper hygiene/ Auditory and visual hallucinations

Getting frustrated and becoming upset or angry. Yep

Severe Dementia
This is the final stage of dementia, patients will likely be unable to care for themselves and need round the clock care. Symptoms may include:

Uncontrollable movements

Incontinence

Failure to recognize even objects that we use every day

Restlessness, inability to sleep

Symptoms worsen at night

No longer recognize family or friends; may search for long-dead relatives.

Need help using the toilet, washing or getting dressed.

Difficulty walking and getting around.

Become aggressive and easily threatened.