[Redrum]

I know they are really hard to find but I thought we should at least try for a few!

Here is my start:

Helga's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" :angry:

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him insane the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Butch!"

 

[66ElkyBB]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

 

[55Redneck]

What does it mean when a ******* has beer running out both sides of his mouth?
















The trailor's level.

 

[will02]

THERE IS A FACTORY IN NORTHERN MINNESOTA, WHICH MAKES THE TICKLE ME ELMO TOYS. THE TOY LAUGHS WHEN YOU TICKLE IT UNDER THE ARM.

WELL, LENA IS HIRED AT THE TICKLE ME ELMO FACTORY AND SHE REPORTS FOR HER FIRST DAY PROMPTLY AT 0800.

THE NEXT DAY AT 0845 THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE PERSONNEL MANAGER'S DOOR. THE FOREMAN FROM THE ASSEMBLY LINE THROWS OPEN THE DOOR AND BEGINS TO RANT ABOUT THE NEW EMPLOYEE.

HE COMPLAINS THAT SHE IS INCREDIBLY SLOW AND THE WHOLE LINE IS BACKING UP, PUTTING THE ENTIRE PRODUCTION LINE BEHIND SCHEDULE.

THE PERSONNEL MANAGER DECIDES HE SHOULD SEE THIS FOR HIMSELF. SO, THE TWO MEN MARCH DOWN TO THE FACTORY FLOOR. WHEN THEY GET THERE THE LINE IS SO BACKED UP THAT THERE ARE TICKLE ME ELMO'S ALL OVER THE FACTORY FLOOR AND THEY'RE REALLY BEGINNING TO PILE UP.

AT THE END OF THE LINE STANDS LENA, SURROUNDED BY MOUNTAINS OF TICKLE ME ELMO'S. SHE HAS A ROLL OF PLUSH RED FABRIC AND A HUGE BAG OF SMALL MARBLES. THE TWO MEN WATCH IN AMAZEMENT AS SHE CUTS A LITTLE PIECE OF
FABRIC, WRAPS IT AROUND TWO MARBLES AND BEGINS TO CAREFULLY SEW THE LITTLE PACKAGE BETWEEN ELMO'S LEGS.

THE PERSONNEL MANAGER BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER. AFTER SEVERAL MINUTES OF HYSTERICS, HE PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER AND APPROACHES LENA.

"I'M SORRY," HE SAYS TO HER, BARELY ABLE TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE, "BUT I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD THE INSTRUCTIONS I GAVE YOU YESTERDAY".

"YOUR JOB IS TO GIVE ELMO TWO TEST TICKLES."

 

[Dan72]

I'll repeat my favourite, although I got pelted with tomatoes, etc, last time I told it





What's long, brown, and sticky?



































A stick......

 

[quikss]

Dan72<<<<<<<<<<<<<Tomatos


Jeff

 

[Dan72]

Dan72<<<<<<<<<<<<<Tomatos

Doh!!!

 

[Tempelton]

A mushroom walks into a bar, hops up on the bar stool and orders a jack and coke.
The bartender looks at him and says " sorry buddy, we don't serve mushrooms in here."
The mushroom looks up at him and says" why not? I'm a fun guy."

 

[Dan72]

The Bacon Tree

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the
distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa, hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run! Ees not a Bacon Tree! Ees a... Ees a..."

"Yes, Pepe? Ees a what..?"


Are you ready for this?…………


…………………………………….



…………………………………….


"Ees... a... ham bush."

 

[chevyfiedRAT]

A man goes to the confessional and begins, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," says the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth, and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the priest again.

"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed priest.

"No, not yet," the man replies.

"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!?"