Well I think my life turned upside down. - Chevelle Tech
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post #1 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 12:42 AM Thread Starter
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Well I think my life turned upside down.

My moms been forgetting stuff the last few years. Mainly the short term stuff like conversations and where she hid her wallets (obsessively compusive). She does well on her own, eating cleaning, hygiene etc.My daughter lives about 5 minutes from her and checks up on her every other day and things are going okay. We decide to head out of town for 4 days, daughter checks on gma, she cant find her hidden wallets but decide to find them when we get home.
Well my moms gets it in her head someone came in the house and took them. She's having anxiety attacks, calls the police who checks up on her. When she calms down she realizes she hid them somewhere and the police calls me to let us know what's happening. I call her and she assures me she's fine. I call a few times, my daughter is with me calls, wife calls. Everything seems fine. Next day I talk to mom in the morning, everything's fine. Few hours later the police calls my daughter and the same thing happens. No wallets and she thinks she's been robbed, tells the police she's been afraid lately. We decide to head home the next day but have my son in law go hang out with her. Of course she calls the cops in the morning and we get another call.
So we get to her house and decide to take her to the ER for a check up. Doc says its classic age related dementia. Now the fun part. Calling around town, basically memory care for folks starts at around $6500 a month in town! She has to go thru her savings then sell her house and go thru all that before any govt run assistance is available. At those prices she might have enough for 3 years of care or less.
Im 57, wife is the bread winner of the family. We can survive on my wife's salary. The serious conversation has been do I quit my job and take on being her caregiver? She does not want to live in thebsame house as me and my wife since the house is small and cramped. We're thinking I move to sierra vista and sleep at her house maybe 4 nights a week, bring her to tucson 3 nights as a guest in our house so I can still hang out with my wife. ( im actually the cook and shopper at home). Tomorrow my daughter and wife is going to start calling around for a assisted living quarters. But we aren't too hopeful we'll find something very affordable. Moms got a take home about $2000 a month after taxes, health insurance, property taxes and home insurance. Dad was in the military for 5 years and has a dd214 which might help her about 1200 and if we rent her house that would probably clear $1000 a month. Rest would come from her savings.
Or become a caregiver, Unfortunately charge her to cover all the back and forth from house to house (80miles apart)and basically running two households and basically becoming a full time babysitter. Hate to say it but we never thought this day would come. Jim

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post #2 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 12:59 AM
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Yes, sucks, sorry. Both my parents died when I was a teenager but I’m always “afraid” I’ll become a burden on my kids. I’m only 56 and in good health, but days and years go by really fast.

Good luck with all that Jim, hope it turns out as best and it can.
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post #3 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 1:08 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mother-in-Law. Been there, done that. The Mother-in-Law was doing fairly well living on her own in a senior condo set up. Then she fell and broke her spine in two places. Everything went down hill from there. The Wife (and I) spent a great deal of time and energy dealing with her mom. Long, sad story short: The Mother-in-Law passed 8 months after breaking her spine. The cause of death was listed as "Fail to Thrive (STARVATION)."

Here's my point: if The Mother-in-Law had been staying at our home, there would have been a huge investigation for Elder Abuse. We were "fortunate" that she'd been placed in a care facility after the fall...

Same story with a buddy: his Mother-in-Law stayed with them until they were about ready to do really bad things (divorce included). "Fortunately" they were able to get her into a care facility.

Professional care, either at a facility or by professionals in the home is the only option in the long run.
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post #4 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 1:27 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

Just went through this with my girl friends mom. Exact same situation. We sold her house 5 years ago. She got the pension from her husband from the military. She lived with us for 2 tears then went into a home for a few months and hated it. We moved her back in and she was happyish for another 3 years. My gf quit work to take care of her, but her work needed her so she got to work from home. That was good because she got to keep her medical.

The last 6 months we paid about $16.00 an hour for someone that comes in to basically take care of mom (babysit and companionship) with the essentials you would have to give to a newborn. We had them during the day and did the rest ourselves at night Professional inhouse services are available at a higher cost. Didn't ask what she was paying for that.

Demetia patients progress through stages and you should use the net to learn what you can. Basically they are regressing back to childhood.

Well the mom fell and hurt her hip, insurance covers that and the stay for rehab, but the surgery pushed her over the edge, when she came home it was hospice care, just take care until she passes. It was rough, my gf has been through a lot. Mom passed a few weeks ago and funeral this sat. 83 yrs old.

If you need someone to talk to, hit me with a pm and I'll send you my number. I think you should sell or rent the house and give her the ultimatum, move in with us or the home. If she's still aware enough you should get her to do a trust and list you as the trustee for the trust and any medical decisions. See if she wants a DNR...do not resuscitate.

If there's other family members you should all get together and have a talk.
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post #5 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 2:03 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

I really feel for you. We went through this 20 years ago; we meaning my family. I was working overseas at the time, and fortunately my dad was able to handle the situation, and my younger brother lived in town too. Folks were in mid 80s.

Her dad, my grandpa, developed dementia when he was in his 80s and the fantastic stories. He would tell my aunt that my mom was being so mean to her, when in fact mom was the one who did the most for him even though she lived 70 miles away. She did more for him than a couple of his other kids who lived in town.

She had a stroke, and dad couldn't physically take care for her anymore at home. So, nursing home time, 4,500 a month back then. I visited her in the home the next time I was home on break. She still remembered me, but they get that look after a while...lights on, nobody home; best way I can describe it. Next time I was able to visit about nine months later I got the worst experience of my life. Went in to the room, and she asked my dad "who's this guy"? I couldn't take it. Tears just flooded out of my eyes, and I had to go out to the car. Worst moment of my life.

I had done my homework years earlier. No internet of course, so a trip to the county welfare department or whatever they call it nowadays. You're right. basically they have to spend down assets until essentially broke, before any government benefit is available. I really do feel for you. It comes as a shock, as you know.
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post #6 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 2:17 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

Oh Jim I an so sorry to hear this. My Wife and I went through this with her Mother. She was Bed Bound and had to be lifted in and out of bed. She had a house 200mi away and my Wife was basically forced to retire because she was gone so much. We Finally got her moved down here, but California is a little different with the paying for stuff. I don't remember exactly, but I don't remember having to sell everything off....I would look into that a little further. As someone else mentioned make sure she has a Trust, and beware of siblings. I guess not buying that house was a good thing. Again very sorry your having to go through this.

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post #7 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 2:22 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

I hope things work out.

If she is still considered competent by the legal system get her assets into a trust. Talk to an attorney that specializes in this. You can have it set up to guide her healthcare and protect her assets.

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post #8 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 5:20 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

That's rough.

My Dad has early onset dementia and is starting to get pretty bad. He tells me things I and I don't know if he dreamed it or not. My Mom thinks he'll need a care facility within a year. I guess we'll see.

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post #9 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 5:31 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

I sympathize with you. BTDT with my mom. She had a stroke which left her wheelchair bound for 10 years. Was in assisted living for 8 years which cost way more than she could afford. Did not have a trust. This was 150 miles away from me in the same town my sister lives in and sister checked in on Mom every day, took her to the doctor, etc. TG for sister doing that. She tried living with my sister for a year but that didn't work out. She was very demanding and didn't get along with people, long story there. We had to rent out her house to help make ends meet (still required much of her savings). I was the landlord for the house from 150 miles away. What a nightmare. She fell out of the wheelchair and broke her hip in '16 which started a downhill slide, in and out of hospitals, rehab, etc., then hospice care, and passed away in '17. My sister, who had a full time job and family to care for, spent much of her free time tending to all of that. One bit of advice I can offer is get a power of attorney while you can so you can make important financial and healthcare decisions for her when she shouldn't or can't, and prepay funeral expenses so that money is set aside and can't be touched by others or count as assets when applying for Medicaid assistance.
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post #10 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 7:54 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

Find a lawyer that handles these cases. I think all property and money will be transferred to someone else and than she qualifies for medicare. Wish you the best.


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post #11 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 7:58 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

My Father was smart about his finances. He hated the government and the IRS. He took everything and put it in a trust for myself and two sisters. He past away two years ago. My mother is still alive and lives in the house but own's nothing except a 1999 Buick Park Avenue. Their three kids own everything else.
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post #12 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 8:24 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

Jim, sorry to hear. Hope everything works out ok for you all.

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post #13 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 8:33 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Slick87gn View Post
Find a lawyer that handles these cases. I think all property and money will be transferred to someone else and than she qualifies for medicare. Wish you the best.
At least here in IN, when applying for MediCAID (not Medicare) assistance there's a 5 year "look back" for transfer of assets. If any have been transferred in those 5 years, that amount is deducted from any assistance or the equivalent in monthly payments delays that amount of time before assistance starts.
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post #14 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 9:32 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

Jim. Wishing you the best. You are not alone out there. My wifes been dealing with the same with her mom for a few years now, who today is in a nursing home, after her assets dried up from being in assisted living. Thankfully the home shes at is a nice one ,unlike some that you hear about. Its sad to see it happen, but you can only do so much. Hang in there. Hope it works out well with you.
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post #15 of 53 (permalink) Old Jul 8th, 19, 9:43 AM
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Re: Well I think my life turned upside down.

My wife is pretty forgetful especially long term, so when she was having short term problems she then started taking my CoQ10 and she says thing just start to pop back in her head, so I guess it works for her, might be worth a try here.
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