Here goes:

Supposedly Im going through a depression according to the doctor, and he's probably right. To be frank I don't see the beauty in life the way I used to, everything is tainted with gray and the belief that all will end so I don't really care about anything. It's been years since i was genuinely happy.

I don't see anything really as worthwhile doing. Don't even care about my own existence...Been an EMT so long in the city that I've been conditioned to death. I don't fear dying...just saying, I'd be happy to be reunited with the people closest to me; as the only ones I've cared so much for have left and gone up and over. I wonder if they're all okay, wonder where they are.

I try my hardest to do the simplest tasks just like leaving to go to a social gathering, seeing friends, groceries; I can't seem to get out the mindset of being apathetic to everything that happens around me. I have 1500 hours over the last 5 years of volunteer work at the UMDNJ university hospital in Newark, NJ, but now can't even seem to go visit. Dreams of becoming an MD? down the drain.

Chevelle? Hasn't been started in 7 months (in fact i wanted to sell it on impulse a while back), just sits in the garage. Haven't touched the toolbox, don't find it any fun anymore. Happy? Haven't been happy in longer than I can remember, it's been so long I've forgotten what it really means or how to start again. I hope every day when I wake up...maybe it'll be different today..and I try, I go to class, go to my 3 jobs (emt, real estate photographer, and cashier) and am a fulltime student majoring in molecular biology and business. I'm overworked, fine, maybe keeping busy will keep me from being depressed, but when i have free time, all my feelings of despondency just come rushing in, can't sleep at night think about stuff I don't even know. Have recurring dreams of ferris wheels, lost in the woods at night in the cold near river banks, i can go on and on)

Yeah I know, In reality it's best to "suck it up" and just get it done, and i DO, but still, i believe people aren't perfect, they breakdown. One minute I'll be pumped to do something, the next it's on the afterburner then shifted to the recycling bin.

Digging out? Im trying, I'm trying so hard to be happy again, doing anything I can, but nothing seems to get me to feel it from within, sure i laugh, but god i'm dead on the inside. I need something i can live for, and i search everyday.

still digging, wish me luck.

Hang in there Alek, times are difficult now but if you keep your hopes up and look at the future and guide your own life you can become happy again.

If you enjoy your car then try to work on it again. Building and accomplishing a huge task like auto restoration can build your self esteem and pride.

Best of luck.
Depression is a mental condition that requires medical help.
Don't know you or your life but I would recommend seeking that help.
Nothing to be timid about....no different than going to see a doctor for whatever condition one might have be it a broken bone, flu, disease, or mental health.
Just different doctors for different ailments.
Sounds like you are really down. Your brain is telling you to be one way without you wanting to be. At least you are aware of it.
You work a lot and these are hard difficult times.
I hope you seek help can get back to healthy.

been in and out of that state of mind.
not a good place to be.
not to push religion.. but I will hit mass once in awhile.. it helps.
Also if you string enough positive things together... they build a chain of sorts.. and make you stronger....

....wish I had the answer. not easy on one for sure.
not black and white as it appears in the movies.. or when someone says "snap out of it"..

Do seek a professional maybe thru a recomondation ... and if that one does not work try another... just like a mechanic.. sooner or later one will find the problem.

Be strong.
B

ALEK, first, life itself is worth living for, that said, lets move on.

i'm reading all the stuff you do, when the hell do you have time to sleep?

when was your last real vacation, when you spent a week just doing what you like to do?

is the doc trying meds? you got a shrink?

here's the deal, a lot of people don't believe in depression, or meds, or shrinks...

heres how i look at it, when your car isn't running right, you get tools and fix it, and if you don't have the proper tools, you get them.

well your body isn't much different than your car. are you getting proper rest? how's your diet? when was the last time you had a physical?

there are so many levels to this, and like a diognostics in a car, you have to narrow down where the issue is.

you say you'd like to meet up with long lost ones. have you ever been able to vent these issues? with somebody close, or a shrink?

you may have lots of little things piling up, making you depressed, or it could be an imbalance.

list questions for your doc, then give what he perscribes a chance, it may help. keep a log, if treatment isn't working, tell the doc, so he can tweak the treatment.

if you get meds and they don't work, please do not go cold turkey, it can cause as much damage as taking too much. it's called "practicing medicine", you of all people know the medical field. take care of yourself, and work towards happiness. there is no switch, no easy way, just support from your family, friends and medical field.

like i said, there are a lot of people that won't agree, but what's the option? to check out? unacceptable. like i said, get the tools you need, and hang in there. you have a big plate, more than most could handle. it might just be time to step back a bit, take a little time off, then get back to it with new eyes...

"My take of failure: "The best way out is always through"

You'll get through this, hell, look at what you've been through already. If you can "afford" it, which seems to me you're going to have too...quit one of those jobs and go on vacation. Go see a relative you haven't seen in a while, visit some old high school friends. Join a recreational league...volunteer to be a big brother...

Good luck...

Alek,
Don't know the answer for you, but I can say from personal experience, when things come crashing in on you, find a therapist and just talk it out. I thought therapy was a joke until I had issues similar to yours and went to a therapist. It took 6-7 months and some medication, but 3 years later, I'm back on track off the meds and couldn't be happier. I'll say a prayer for you and you can get through this.

Alek,
Don't know the answer for you, but I can say from personal experience, when things come crashing in on you, find a therapist and just talk it out. I thought therapy was a joke until I had issues similar to yours and went to a therapist. It took 6-7 months and some medication, but 3 years later, I'm back on track off the meds and couldn't be happier. I'll say a prayer for you and you can get through this.

I agree with Lee, go seek out some form of counseling, be it therapist or what your most comfortable with. Meds may be an answer too. Alek you spoke of not being fearful of death and wanting to be reunited with lost friends and family, that scares me a bit. There are alot more people in your life that would miss you if were gone, more than you or most of us know, death is not an answer to any question except to a long well lived life. I hope I am reading more into it than I should but that statement made my blood run cold and I can not stand by or say nothing to it. We all live through hard times, there are times that we feel like not going out and being with people or in social events. Sometimes we all need help, please think about any actions your contemplating and how they will effect others around you. Take some time for yourself (whether a vacation or time off with family), you deserve it and it will bring a new prespective on things. Life only gives us challenges that we can handle and it will throw us bones when we don't expect them and when we are most down.

Even if you can't find the get up and go to work on the Chevelle, how about just roll it out and give it a bath. After a short time of inaction I find that just cleaning the Chevelle can have the desired effect of getting me going again. Your Chevelle can be that personal self-help thing you need to start the changes that you seem to want. There are no guarantys in life but this may help.

Someone like you that does so much for others is going to have alot of people that are there for you......seek them out.

Great advice here...and one I might add is you need "me time"....whatever it might be...washing the Chevelle like Qship mentioned,taking it for a ride,going to a concert,doing things with friends...gotta make it about yourself from time to time or we all get "lost"

I have to say i as felling a bit the same way lately. That said my Chevelle has been down for 4 years. It's now back together and the happiness is coming back.
FWIW Jody

Sounds like you burned yourself out. You sound like one of those people who always needs to be doing something. You might need to slow down and learn how to relax and not do anything for awhile. And learn not to feel guilty about doing nothing when your doing it.

Also, talk to your Dr about potentially getting some anti depressants for awhile. You state that you are not sleeping well. Mild anti depressents can help you sleep better. And how well you sleep can affect what the rest of your day is going to be like. I have terrible sleeping habits. I must wakeup 15-20 times a night. First off I have a bad back. So I toss and turn all night. Then I hear every noise out there. Then I always wake up with cotton mouth. Then once I start drinking water to get rid of my cotton mouth it's off the bathroom 3-4 times a night. So during my day I was awake but it was always a tired awake and i felt I was just going through the motions. And that was when my life was supposedly normal and not going through my family crisis.

Dr. gave me a 3 month prescription for some mild anti depressants but I didn't want to take them. Cause I thought it ment I was weak and couldn't hack it. But finally I did take it and within a couple of weeks I'd start sleeping through the whole night w/o any wakeups. Or if I did, I could get back to sleep. It definately improved my day.

And don't let the hole you need to dig yourself out of bother you to much. Seems like everyone has one in these times.

Its that damn Red Sox sweatshirt you wear......burn it & I bet things turn around for ya!

I just think you need some exersice like getting layed or ,something a harder like exercise like running ,basketball etc.then you will sleep beter.Realy you gota belive in yourself and think positive.One minute one hr. one day at a time.I 've been there still there probly.I know you can do it. One min. one hr. one day a time OK.

Thanks guys...all of your advice is really helpful...i'm trying...I do stuff but just don't have soul in to it. I'm working on regaining it, it's gonna take time and most of all, patience.

Burning that Red Sox sweatshirt may be a start Dan...Thanks for believing i can make it.

I can't add much except that I sometimes fall into that hole, comes from my mothers side, she was bipolar. My daughter is the same way. Get the help and meds you need to jump start your mojo again. Don't dwell on the death, rejoice in the lifes you are saving and improving. There are people you are important and matter to. You make differences in persons lives that you are not even aware of. Keep us informed on your progress.

Thanks guys...all of your advice is really helpful...i'm trying...I do stuff but just don't have soul in to it. I'm working on regaining it, it's gonna take time and most of all, patience.

Burning that Red Sox sweatshirt may be a start Dan...Thanks for believing i can make it.

Remember there are people all around you that are worse off than you.
If THEY can make it,YOU certainly can.:yes:

Well I am going to address the spiritual issues. I was in a much worse place than what you described three years ago. When I lost my youngest grandson, it felt like the end of the world and I thought the pain would never end. When he passed away, he was in the care of his mother, my ex-daughter-in-law. She and my son were going through divorce proceedings. Right away, I suspected foul play on her part, or on the part of the boyfriend she ran off with, or his family. You cannot imagine what I wanted to do to them. I had some of the worst and most evil anger fantasies I've ever known.

On top of all that, we got locked into a battle with CPS right after Ian died. Ian's surviving sister, our oldest granddaughter, was placed in our care the night Ian died, but CPS wanted to take her from us at the request of our ex daughter-in-law and put her in a foster home. I added CPS agents to the list of people I wanted gone from the planet. Needless to say, I was angry and in pain and in mourning all at the same time.

19 days after we lost Ian, our attorney called us with more bad news. Our son's attorney had dropped the ball and failed to inform our son that the visitation order between him and his estranged wife had expired BEFORE Ian died which meant that Ian didn't have to be with his mother the day he passed away. He would have been with one of us. Maybe, just maybe he might be still be alive. You see, his mother had taken him to the home of her boyfriend's parents on the day of her visitation. She found him unconscious in one of the bedrooms. But instead of calling 911, the boyfriend's father decided to load him in a car and drive 22 miles to the nearest emergency room. Along the way, he stopped breathing. He passed away about an hour later.

All of this came down on me the night of February 22nd 2007. One of my wife's friends told me this really good pastor at her church the day of Ian's funeral and said I should stop in and see him if I ever felt the need. That night I felt the need. I was at a crossroads. I was at the point where I had to make a decision between a life in Christ, or doing something that would have ruined my life and my family forever. That night, as I poured my soul out to pastor Mike, I accepted Jesus Christ as my as my savior and asked Him to come into my life.

Things didn't change overnight. But I did start seeing the hand of God in our lives. Our son eventually won custody of his daughter. He's dating a good Christian woman who has been a very positive influence in his life. Over the course of time, I started attending Bible class and was baptized into the church, First Baptist Church of Grapevine, Texas. I've become involved in men's ministry. A lot of people here are aware of the ministry outreach program I head up called the Musclecar Ministry in which a group of us Christian men are restorning a 71 Dodge. And three years ago, if you would have told me that I would be TEACHING Bible class, i'd have laughed at you. Now I fill regularly for our teacher when he has to go out of town.

Future plans call for mission trips to Ecuador and maybe Brazil. I'm considering enrolling at Dallas Baptist University in the near future to pursue some sort of degree, though that decison hasn't been made yet.

The bottom line is, whatever is troubling you, whatever trial you're facing, bring it to the feet of Jesus and lay it at the foot of the cross.

When you read this, say this simple prayer:

"Lord Heavenly Father, You are the God of all comfort and Father of compassion and I ask you to hear my prayer. I know Lord that I am a sinner but I also know that your son Jesus gave his life for me and all my sins have been paid for. I am deeply troubled and on this day, I ask you to reveal your presence to me in some way. I pray for the peace of mind to recognize your voice when you call to me, and I ask you to begin the healing that will restore my soul. I ask this in the name of our precious savior Jesus Christ, Amen"

Just say that prayer. Ask God to fill that void inside you. We all go through peaks and valleys in life. Ask God to lift you out of the valley you're in and to take you to the mountain top. i am a living witness that He will do just that.When you find yourself in a hole, the best thing to do is to stop digging.

Take it to the cross.

Dealt with clinical depression all my life, its rough. You know its a chemical thing and for years the mind over matter thing can work, when it doesnt youre in trouble...eventually nothing will "fix ya" meaning fixing on hobbies, actiities. It should but you have no interest...got a car been off the road for 10 yrs as proof lol. Eventually its time to treat it through a doc/med (which Im against but it has to be done).
May have to try a few thigns til you get one that works for you but its a chemical thing, not YOU thats causing it. Go get yourself fixed up and get happy man.

You wouldn't have to take pills forever. You need a kick start. They will take away the anti-fun devices you've subconciously made. You'll start being able to enjoy life again. If, deep down, you want to feel bad (this is what happens), your mind will find ways to associate bad feelings with more and more of the things you experience. Trust me. :yes: You can get out of this, man. :)

Amen to Randy's comment.

Well I am going to address the spiritual issues. I was in a much worse place than what you described three years ago. When I lost my youngest grandson, it felt like the end of the world and I thought the pain would never end. When he passed away, he was in the care of his mother, my ex-daughter-in-law. She and my son were going through divorce proceedings. Right away, I suspected foul play on her part, or on the part of the boyfriend she ran off with, or his family. You cannot imagine what I wanted to do to them. I had some of the worst and most evil anger fantasies I've ever known.

On top of all that, we got locked into a battle with CPS right after Ian died. Ian's surviving sister, our oldest granddaughter, was placed in our care the night Ian died, but CPS wanted to take her from us at the request of our ex daughter-in-law and put her in a foster home. I added CPS agents to the list of people I wanted gone from the planet. Needless to say, I was angry and in pain and in mourning all at the same time.

19 days after we lost Ian, our attorney called us with more bad news. Our son's attorney had dropped the ball and failed to inform our son that the visitation order between him and his estranged wife had expired BEFORE Ian died which meant that Ian didn't have to be with his mother the day he passed away. He would have been with one of us. Maybe, just maybe he might be still be alive. You see, his mother had taken him to the home of her boyfriend's parents on the day of her visitation. She found him unconscious in one of the bedrooms. But instead of calling 911, the boyfriend's father decided to load him in a car and drive 22 miles to the nearest emergency room. Along the way, he stopped breathing. He passed away about an hour later.

All of this came down on me the night of February 22nd 2007. One of my wife's friends told me this really good pastor at her church the day of Ian's funeral and said I should stop in and see him if I ever felt the need. That night I felt the need. I was at a crossroads. I was at the point where I had to make a decision between a life in Christ, or doing something that would have ruined my life and my family forever. That night, as I poured my soul out to pastor Mike, I accepted Jesus Christ as my as my savior and asked Him to come into my life.

Things didn't change overnight. But I did start seeing the hand of God in our lives. Our son eventually won custody of his daughter. He's dating a good Christian woman who has been a very positive influence in his life. Over the course of time, I started attending Bible class and was baptized into the church, First Baptist Church of Grapevine, Texas. I've become involved in men's ministry. A lot of people here are aware of the ministry outreach program I head up called the Musclecar Ministry in which a group of us Christian men are restorning a 71 Dodge. And three years ago, if you would have told me that I would be TEACHING Bible class, i'd have laughed at you. Now I fill regularly for our teacher when he has to go out of town.

Future plans call for mission trips to Ecuador and maybe Brazil. I'm considering enrolling at Dallas Baptist University in the near future to pursue some sort of degree, though that decison hasn't been made yet.

The bottom line is, whatever is troubling you, whatever trial you're facing, bring it to the feet of Jesus and lay it at the foot of the cross.

When you read this, say this simple prayer:

"Lord Heavenly Father, You are the God of all comfort and Father of compassion and I ask you to hear my prayer. I know Lord that I am a sinner but I also know that your son Jesus gave his life for me and all my sins have been paid for. I am deeply troubled and on this day, I ask you to reveal your presence to me in some way. I pray for the peace of mind to recognize your voice when you call to me, and I ask you to begin the healing that will restore my soul. I ask this in the name of our precious savior Jesus Christ, Amen"

Just say that prayer. Ask God to fill that void inside you. We all go through peaks and valleys in life. Ask God to lift you out of the valley you're in and to take you to the mountain top. i am a living witness that He will do just that.When you find yourself in a hole, the best thing to do is to stop digging.

Take it to the cross.

You wouldn't have to take pills forever. You need a kick start. They will take away the anti-fun devices you've subconciously made. You'll start being able to enjoy life again. If, deep down, you want to feel bad (this is what happens), your mind will find ways to associate bad feelings with more and more of the things you experience. Trust me. :yes: You can get out of this, man. :)


Thanks again everyone for commenting. Randy...wow, Im terribly sorry to hear of your past circumstances, but you HAVE inspired me to do something about my present state of mind. I will start saying prayers, and accepting God again. For the longest time i have stayed away from God, kind of scared to accept in him, it was so obvious but i was subtle. I need to start thinking spiritually again, I feel that I have left God out of my life for some reason I cannot remember. But I do remember in my past having God as an influential factor who watched over me helped even out the kinks in the road; I had gone astray somewhere...


Jake, that's exactly how It feels...your'e ablsolutely right, Im in the gutter and want to STAY in the gutter, when i feel like cra@p, i want to feel even worse and stay that way, Im going to talk to my doctor for temporarily being of meds.


I've seen a lot of life, people around me here on the forum have seen ALOT more, that's why i posted. Thanks for the the advising, i'll keep moving forward.

A

I know what I am talking about. People have different stimuli that cause depression or whatever, mine happened to be the sudden and early passing of my father. It took me more than 3 years to finally admit to myself that I was SERIOUSLY depressed because of it. Meds helped me get some of my self and my smile back. I don't take them any more either. I got tired of the shrink and his funny looks, and to tell you the truth, most of what a person like that becomes is just a sounding board. For me, I don't think he did much other than provide a confidant to dump my **** on. I think the biggest part of my therapy was being able to hear myself actually verbalize some of the things I had been thinking. Then, it was pretty obvious what I had been doing, both to myself, and those around me.

By the way, I got 2 scripts, one was a mild mind-bender that had to be taken every day, and took about a month to start working...like a reuptake inhibitor. Then, there was another script for something that was a bit more fast-acting, kind of like taking a happy pill.

Well I am going to address the spiritual issues. I was in a much worse place than what you described three years ago. When I lost my youngest grandson, it felt like the end of the world and I thought the pain would never end. When he passed away, he was in the care of his mother, my ex-daughter-in-law. She and my son were going through divorce proceedings. Right away, I suspected foul play on her part, or on the part of the boyfriend she ran off with, or his family. You cannot imagine what I wanted to do to them. I had some of the worst and most evil anger fantasies I've ever known.

On top of all that, we got locked into a battle with CPS right after Ian died. Ian's surviving sister, our oldest granddaughter, was placed in our care the night Ian died, but CPS wanted to take her from us at the request of our ex daughter-in-law and put her in a foster home. I added CPS agents to the list of people I wanted gone from the planet. Needless to say, I was angry and in pain and in mourning all at the same time.

19 days after we lost Ian, our attorney called us with more bad news. Our son's attorney had dropped the ball and failed to inform our son that the visitation order between him and his estranged wife had expired BEFORE Ian died which meant that Ian didn't have to be with his mother the day he passed away. He would have been with one of us. Maybe, just maybe he might be still be alive. You see, his mother had taken him to the home of her boyfriend's parents on the day of her visitation. She found him unconscious in one of the bedrooms. But instead of calling 911, the boyfriend's father decided to load him in a car and drive 22 miles to the nearest emergency room. Along the way, he stopped breathing. He passed away about an hour later.

All of this came down on me the night of February 22nd 2007. One of my wife's friends told me this really good pastor at her church the day of Ian's funeral and said I should stop in and see him if I ever felt the need. That night I felt the need. I was at a crossroads. I was at the point where I had to make a decision between a life in Christ, or doing something that would have ruined my life and my family forever. That night, as I poured my soul out to pastor Mike, I accepted Jesus Christ as my as my savior and asked Him to come into my life.

Things didn't change overnight. But I did start seeing the hand of God in our lives. Our son eventually won custody of his daughter. He's dating a good Christian woman who has been a very positive influence in his life. Over the course of time, I started attending Bible class and was baptized into the church, First Baptist Church of Grapevine, Texas. I've become involved in men's ministry. A lot of people here are aware of the ministry outreach program I head up called the Musclecar Ministry in which a group of us Christian men are restorning a 71 Dodge. And three years ago, if you would have told me that I would be TEACHING Bible class, i'd have laughed at you. Now I fill regularly for our teacher when he has to go out of town.

Future plans call for mission trips to Ecuador and maybe Brazil. I'm considering enrolling at Dallas Baptist University in the near future to pursue some sort of degree, though that decison hasn't been made yet.

The bottom line is, whatever is troubling you, whatever trial you're facing, bring it to the feet of Jesus and lay it at the foot of the cross.

When you read this, say this simple prayer:

"Lord Heavenly Father, You are the God of all comfort and Father of compassion and I ask you to hear my prayer. I know Lord that I am a sinner but I also know that your son Jesus gave his life for me and all my sins have been paid for. I am deeply troubled and on this day, I ask you to reveal your presence to me in some way. I pray for the peace of mind to recognize your voice when you call to me, and I ask you to begin the healing that will restore my soul. I ask this in the name of our precious savior Jesus Christ, Amen"

Just say that prayer. Ask God to fill that void inside you. We all go through peaks and valleys in life. Ask God to lift you out of the valley you're in and to take you to the mountain top. i am a living witness that He will do just that.When you find yourself in a hole, the best thing to do is to stop digging.

Take it to the cross.

Thank you Randy. That helps put things into perspective.

amen to randy's comment.

x2

Alek- Not to take away from anything else anyone on here has said, but if you really haven't been happy in 10 years, maybe you need to take a look at where you're headed in life vs. where you want to go. It seems like a lot of people get an idea in their head as to what they want to do in life, and then never rethink it again, even if they're not enjoying their life the way they thought they would. I'm not saying that's what you've done by any means, but today's the first day of the rest of your life, are do you doing what you want to do?

Alek, I know exactly where you are. I was there for 5 years. It's tough, and it took a long time to find my way out, but I did. And now, life couldn't be better.

I think it's your body's way of telling you you aren't where you should be.