chevelledude71
Aug 5th, 09, 9:27 AM
The fence
> We have the
> standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
> I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
> city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
> and ran a single wire along the top of the
> fence.
>
> Actually, I got the
> biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I
> then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the
> ground. The ground rod is the key,
> with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence
> works.
>
> One day I'm mowing the
> back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot
> wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
> unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached
> down to grab it, to throw it out of the
> way.
>
> It seems as though I
> hadn't remembered to unplug it after
> all.
>
> Now I'm standing there,
> I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt
> fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size
> of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on
> the cover.
>
> Time stood
> still.
>
> The first thing I notice
> is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
> curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
> backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over,
> I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
> engine.
>
> It seems as though the
> fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who
> would control my electrical
> impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot
> crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I
> do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less
> than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where
> time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you
> just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in
> between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
> pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8
> grand.
>
> At this point I'm about
> 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand
> is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a
> farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those
> piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
> volts and just kinda
> tickled.
>
>
>
>
>
> This one I could not let
> go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me
> through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm
> thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of
> gas.
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I
> remember I just filled the
> tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is
> starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it
> had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and
> with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please
> die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
> idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
> waiting for the go command from its owner's right
> foot.
>
> So here I am in the
> middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard,
> begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me
> there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
> had created.
>
> I honestly don't know
> how I got loose from the wire
> ...
> I woke up laying on the ground hours later.
> The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and
> I was sunburned.
>
> There were two large
> dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny
> dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still
> holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
> thrashing had somehow let go of the
> wire.
>
> Upon waking from my
> electrically induced sleep I realized a few
> things:
>
> 1- Three of my teeth
> seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in
> the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the
> right).
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and vomit
> when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might
> think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not
> open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not
> close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs
> like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out
> some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after
> that.
>
> 7- My nuts are still
> smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
> long.
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV
> in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't
> understand this???).
>
> That day changed my
> life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little
> things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is
> unplugged before I
> mow.
>
> The good news, is that
> if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize
> what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and
> fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
> mow.
> We have the
> standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
> I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
> city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
> and ran a single wire along the top of the
> fence.
>
> Actually, I got the
> biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I
> then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the
> ground. The ground rod is the key,
> with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence
> works.
>
> One day I'm mowing the
> back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot
> wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
> unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached
> down to grab it, to throw it out of the
> way.
>
> It seems as though I
> hadn't remembered to unplug it after
> all.
>
> Now I'm standing there,
> I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt
> fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size
> of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on
> the cover.
>
> Time stood
> still.
>
> The first thing I notice
> is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
> curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
> backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over,
> I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
> engine.
>
> It seems as though the
> fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who
> would control my electrical
> impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot
> crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I
> do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less
> than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where
> time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you
> just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in
> between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
> pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8
> grand.
>
> At this point I'm about
> 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand
> is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a
> farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those
> piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
> volts and just kinda
> tickled.
>
>
>
>
>
> This one I could not let
> go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me
> through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm
> thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of
> gas.
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I
> remember I just filled the
> tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is
> starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it
> had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and
> with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please
> die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
> idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
> waiting for the go command from its owner's right
> foot.
>
> So here I am in the
> middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard,
> begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me
> there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
> had created.
>
> I honestly don't know
> how I got loose from the wire
> ...
> I woke up laying on the ground hours later.
> The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and
> I was sunburned.
>
> There were two large
> dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny
> dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still
> holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
> thrashing had somehow let go of the
> wire.
>
> Upon waking from my
> electrically induced sleep I realized a few
> things:
>
> 1- Three of my teeth
> seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in
> the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the
> right).
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and vomit
> when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might
> think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not
> open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not
> close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs
> like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out
> some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after
> that.
>
> 7- My nuts are still
> smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
> long.
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV
> in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't
> understand this???).
>
> That day changed my
> life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little
> things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is
> unplugged before I
> mow.
>
> The good news, is that
> if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize
> what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and
> fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
> mow.