I'm getting bored and need something to laugh at...:yes:
to early for me crack open a beer..

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
:D

I think Chicken Coupe got beaten up by a blond. Enjoy your beer, I'm sure he will be by soon.

Here's yer sign!

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don’t worry, we still have one engine left.”

Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

#2

Posted - 12/06/2008 : 02:59:17
RCMP and Rancher

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the RCMP officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

#3
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would.

When she comes down the ladder, he says "I really should get two
loaves as he is having company for dinner".

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.

Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of
another male customer.

Pretty soon, every male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself.

Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer.

As she stops and fumes, glaring at the men below, she notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"
















"No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

Two old friends hadnt seen each other in a while, see each other on the street and call out to each other!

Hey Bob how you doing?

Hey Sam how are you?

Oh, dont call me |Sam, call me Lucky said Sam!

Well how come?

Well you remember that plane crash, I was the only one to live!

Well you are lucky!



Time passes, and they see each other.

Well how are you, Bob?

Well Lucky how are you?

Oh dont call me Lucky, call me Lucky-Lucky!

Well I know about the first lucky, why the second lucky?

Well you know that ship that sank, I was the only one to live!

Wow! you are lucky! Lucky-lucky


Again time passes, and they see each other

Well how are you, Bob?

Doin well, how are you lucky-lucky?

Oh dont call me lucky-lucky, call me lucky-lucky-lucky!

Well I know about the first two lucky's, why the third Lucky?

Well I was at some cops house screwing his wife when he came home and shot me dead in the ass!

Well whats so lucky about that?

Well if he had come home 5 mins sooner he would have shot me in the head!

Fred, you must have a million of them.:D

""""'Your badge! Show him your badge!' """"

Yep, that made me LOL

Fred you rock!! Where you get this sh-t I don't know..but I sure look foward to it...Good job..:thumbsup:

I'll add one.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

Do you know my in laws too?

Two Blondes got lost in the woods. A River had them separated, one on the east and one on the west. They finale saw each other and ran down to the River, One blonde hollerd across to the other and said (How do you get on the other side?), The other blonde hollerd back (You dummy you are are on the other side).