Don't know why I'm posting this.

High School , no problems, no worrys, and no responsibility. One beer, maybe another and AC/DC Back in Black on the cassette blowing out the 6X9 speakers.

Fast forward 21 years and I find a picture of a 20 year old. It was nearly 9 years ago, I gave up looking for him. He and his mother disappeared. Now I finally found a picture (recent) along with address, phone number, e-mail etc.He is the spitting image of me.

Called his mother after 21 years and gave her my medical info so she could give to him for future reference.I gave my word not to contact him and turn his world upside down.Found out he has been raised well and is a good kid.Just can't quit picking up the picture.............................

In life you dont regret the things that you have done, but the things you havent done....If it means alot then you know what to do....

You gotta go ahead and make the first move...always wonder what if....even if it doesn't work out, at least you tried...just be prepared for hard questions, and even harder answers.

pretty selfish of the mother to ask that you not contact YOUR OWN SON, whose existence she apparently kept from you, if you ask me. Someday, you will get your chance to make up for the lost time.

you know, these things are a difficult situation. my b-i-l had a man knock at his door once, ended up being a son he never knew he had, they ended up being great friends.

my nephew hasn't seen his father (my brother) in 18 years, and doesn't want anything to do with him. he was raised by a great guy he calls dad, and he's a bright young man. i can't blame him for his decision.

i don't clearly see what your situation is, but if you made a deal, hold up your end, if you were forced into something, and you are truly able to do something without destroying others, there are options.

we don't know your story, and then we'd probably only know your side of it. but it seems you have a huge amount of paths to chose from. just make sure you think it threw, and use the one that will do the least amount of damage to the young man.

a boy i call my son, doesn't know who his real father is, and i've been cut off from him for several years. after fighting for years, i finally backed away to let the kid have some peace, and try to get some childhood in before his mom takes it all from him.

if he ever contacts me, i'll step back in a heartbeat, if not, i'll abide by his decision.

i don't know how complicated your story is, but don't do something for self gratification, do whats best for your son....hang in there, it's a tough road to navigate.

Not enough info provided here...was he raised in a stable, two parent home or was he raised by his mother alone? It makes a difference, imho.

Happened to my brother while he was in the Navy. He fathered a daughter but didn't know it because the mother didn't tell him. 20+ years later the mother is in a bad car accident and almost dies so she figures the daughter should know who her real father is and calls my brother to let him know about the whole story. My brother goes to visit them (they live in another state) and meet the daughter and it turns out good. The daughter has been here to michigan several times and she is a real nice young lady.

You gotta go ahead and make the first move...always wonder what if....even if it doesn't work out, at least you tried...just be prepared for hard questions, and even harder answers.

Dont wait like he said, make a move. Life is too short. Be truthful.

You gotta go ahead and make the first move...always wonder what if....even if it doesn't work out, at least you tried...just be prepared for hard questions, and even harder answers.

I agree. Write him a letter, Let him know who you are and the circumstances that led to you contacting him. Let him know that you are interested in getting too know him. BUT if he is not, You will fully understand and will have no further contact.... Then let him make the next move..

Thanks for taking the time to give some insight from unbiased persons.His mother married shortly after he was born.He took his step fathers last name.She since has divorced him and remarried and been that way for a long time.My understanding is he has been raised well and provided for very well.He has moved around with his mother in the military over the past 20 years.Thats why I could find them.

She did what she thought was best for both of them.I'm not mad at her.I couldn't imagine what she went through all those years.I gave my word to her not to contact him because she said it would turn him upside down.I imagine it would.

I guess I am being selfish, but not on purpose.Just would like to shake his hand and be able to look at him face to face.Even if I couldn't tell him who I truely am.

I have a wife and 3 children, now 4. I told the wife, of 11 years, thinking it was the right thing to do.Its been a week and things are still tense around the house.Found out the right thing to do isn't the easiest by far, but it will work its way out.

Don't why I'm telling you guys , I only know ya'll from the posts I have read.Guess I'm looking for just what ya'll have given, insight from the outside.Thanks Guys....

She said it would turn him upside down? Well, what if he met you? He's a 21 year old man...it should be his decision if he wants to see you, not his mothers assumption.

Thanks for taking the time to give some insight from unbiased persons.His mother married shortly after he was born.He took his step fathers last name.She since has divorced him and remarried and been that way for a long time.My understanding is he has been raised well and provided for very well.He has moved around with his mother in the military over the past 20 years.Thats why I could find them.

She did what she thought was best for both of them.I'm not mad at her.I couldn't imagine what she went through all those years.I gave my word to her not to contact him because she said it would turn him upside down.I imagine it would.

I guess I am being selfish, but not on purpose.Just would like to shake his hand and be able to look at him face to face.Even if I couldn't tell him who I truely am.

I have a wife and 3 children, now 4. I told the wife, of 11 years, thinking it was the right thing to do.Its been a week and things are still tense around the house.Found out the right thing to do isn't the easiest by far, but it will work its way out.

Don't why I'm telling you guys , I only know ya'll from the posts I have read.Guess I'm looking for just what ya'll have given, insight from the outside.Thanks Guys....

first, being honest is the way to go. telling the current wife was for the best. don't know why she's tense, it's not like your going to love the current kids less. after thinking quite a bit about this, at 21 this kid can make his own judgment, it won't turn him upside down, but maybe turn her upside down, because we really don't know what she's been telling this young man. but you really have to be ready for disappointment. if he wants to be friends, great, but what if he wants nothing to do with you? can you step aside, take a look at the situation, and be able to deal with it?

you see....the less drama and stress, the better. the mistake my brother makes is, he won't let it go. my nephew is smart, and a really good kid, and he's his own man, and made his own decision. like a bull in a china shop, my brother keeps forcing it, and driving the kid farther away. i fully blame my brother for not only not being there for the kid, but now trying to play daddy to a grown man, who has made his own life and decisions without his input.

your talking to us, because some of us have been threw it, and your smart enough to cull threw the b.s. and make an educated decision, based on the history of this issue and the expierence of others. hang in there, your headed in the right direction. you also need to talk to the wife and find out why she has anxiety over this. get an actual reason, then work on it......

John:

Bill (1BlackHarley) says it best so I would listen to his advice. No disrespect to the others who made comments, but if you read some of Bill's past posts and his involvement with fostering/mentoring/helping young people, he has a perspective that can only be gleaned from experience. Not to say it is the only one worth listening too and discard other viewpoints. May want to talk with someone with whom you are more comfortable with on a personal level but try to think in the overall best interests of the young man. I found out in the past 10 years or so that I have a half sister. My brother claims he knows who she is and where living if I were to want to talk. But out of respect for my mom who is still living, I think it best to let the past remain just what it is. I have no real thoughts on the subject other than to encourage you to remain on good terms with the mother. I admire your honesty and character in agreeing to not contact him. You did the right thing for his medical health and I commend you.

There are always three sides to every story and not saying anything against you, no one on this board knows what happened nor why the mother made the choices she did. I have eaten crow for comments made before I knew the whole story. Again, do not take what I am saying as a personal attack in any way. Hang in there and pray for God to lead you.

Too many are quick to point out what they would do without walking in your shoes.

Durand

Is there another man that he thinks is his father? If not I would make a move.

As always I seem to find the answer I need through the members here.Since my focus has been to keep him from suffering the same medical problems that myself and my father did at a very early age, I am going to stand on that decision.His mother says he doesn't need anything and has a good life. I will try to keep tabs on him through her if she is willing.

I have decided to start a journal. By me, for him, and my 3 other children.Just to give him insight to what the past years held for me looking for him.Each time something happens worth noting whether it be in his life or in ours I will write it down and try to in a way he will understand that he isn't far from my thoughts.If he ever gets to knock on my door I can give them to him so it might help him understand.If that knock doesn't come in my life time the letters will be sent to his mother for her to decide when he should have them.

THank you all

Once again 1blackharley has said what I was thinking. My wife was adopted and we looked hard during the first 30 years we were married for her birth parents. About 7 years ago her birth father found her and all has been well since. Her mother had died about 5 years before that. We have a good relationship with her birth younger sister. Her birth younger brother did not take it well at all.

Reach out and be prepared for whatever happens. Like Bill said, if he does not want a relationship don't press it. The brother my wife was raised with was adopted too and has no desire to find his Dad and has said he wouldn't talk to him if he showed up.

Your wife is probably upset because she is wondering what else in your past you have not shared with her. Good luck Patrick

I think you are making the correct choice, as it seemed that YOU wanted to contact HIM to satisfy your own needs, not his. Sometimes you have to let sleeping dogs sleep.