Ok, let's start at the start. I own a 1969 Malibu with a 350, points ignition and a 2-barrel Rochester carb, I went to China for six months studying abroad and when I came back I could not get the thing to start. I drove and parked it the day before I left, unhooked the battery, all that good stuff. When I came back the first thing I did was test and replace the battery.
So here's the current situation: If I go out in the morning, it will start up, but it idles really low (like the choke isn't working, except it is...), and after seven or eight seconds it dies. At this point I am unable to start it back up. I've got plenty of gas to the cylinders (and on my intake manifold after it dies and hiccups it back out the neck). After an initial check I found two plug wires that weren't showing spark with my timing light, I pulled them and tested for resistance and they tested ok, but for good measure I popped the distributor cap off and cleaned the cap and rotor contacts. Tried it again, still the same thing. Being by myself and not in possession of a remote starter, I have to wait till this evening to re-test those wires, but any insight would be helpful. I want to get some feedback before I start ripping apart what was initially a tuned car (I tuned it last November, and left early January).

I'm going to guess that while you were gone the gas in the carb evaporated, the float dropped and got stuck. Now when you start it in the morning the car starts, but floods out and dies. With the carb flooded it won't start again and that's why there is gas on the intake. Just my thoughts.

nobody would have tinkered with it when you were gone right?

It ended up being a weak coil. Thing was probably stock. Anyway, replaced it and I drove my baby around all afternoon. Thanks for the ideas, though, y'all!