Bill Rose
Apr 22nd, 06, 3:37 PM
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. *This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. *Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try. *I called the club and made my
reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! *The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. *She was something of a Greek goddess -- with
blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. *I enjoyed watching the skilful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. *This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. *Belinda made me lie on my back and push
a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put
weights on it! *My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. *Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. *I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. *Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. *I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered the other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whines that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. *Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? *Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. *She said
some other crap too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. *I couldn't help being a half an hour
late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. *Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. *When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. *She sent
Lars to find me, then, as *punishment, put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. *Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleading bitch. *If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her
with it. *Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! *And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. *Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. *Just *hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. *I will also pray that next year, my wife (the
bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a
root canal or a vasectomy.
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. *This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. *Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try. *I called the club and made my
reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! *The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. *She was something of a Greek goddess -- with
blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. *I enjoyed watching the skilful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. *This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. *Belinda made me lie on my back and push
a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put
weights on it! *My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. *Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. *I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. *Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. *I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered the other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whines that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. *Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? *Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. *She said
some other crap too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. *I couldn't help being a half an hour
late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. *Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. *When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. *She sent
Lars to find me, then, as *punishment, put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. *Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleading bitch. *If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her
with it. *Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! *And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. *Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. *Just *hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. *I will also pray that next year, my wife (the
bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a
root canal or a vasectomy.